Feeling resistance

I’m sitting on a park bench somewhere in Prince George, Canada. It’s a nice park. Directly on a hill. A lot of trees. Quite. Except all the cars passing.

In rough 3 hours, I continue my bus ride. In 24 hours I’m — hopefully — getting picked up. Finally after 40 hours of traveling by then. Taking the bus is definitely not the fastest way to travel a long distance in Canada. Well, maybe it’s just not if you are going to such small place like Terrace.

I already spend several hours here in this park. Some reading. Listen to music. Some walking. Actually, I should move much more since I’m going to sit on this bus for a while again.

Anyway, the hours pass and I’m getting closer to finally arrive. I was waiting for this moment to come for years. As long as I can remember I was dreaming about going to a monastery. More accurate a Buddhist monastery. 

I’m not directly going to one as far as I can assess. The place I’m going is an Ashram. A meditation center. So it’s pretty close. At least this is what I’m expecting. Since I have no idea what I’m going to do there I can just guess. There will be a lot of Yoga. I’m looking forward to this.

While I’m waiting, this feeling slowly rises. This feeling of resistance. There is this part of me which doesn’t want to go there. First, because have no idea what’s expecting me. Second, what I am expecting could come true.

This experience could change my life. Every experience does change you a bit. But there are these experiences which completely change the way you be and tackle life. This might be one of them.

Feeling resistance isn’t new for me. I guess, everyone does feel it from time to time. By now, I interpret it as a good sign. A sign that I’m on the right track. It’s my ego being afraid of change I’m feeling. Preferably, I would just leave and go somewhere else.

What am I going to do about this feeling? Nothing. I’m going anyway. This time it’s really easy for me. There is no other place — in near distance — I could go and I already bought the ticket. Situations like these aren’t always easy to handle. Therefore, it’s important to become aware what’s important to you and where the rising resistance is coming from.

I have to admit, there isn’t just this feeling of resistance about me going into this Ashram or not. Again, I’m asking myself if the things I’m doing right now are the things I really want to do. I don’t know. However, I surrender to these feeling and thoughts.

There is no point in asking these questions right now. I will spend some weeks at the remote place. There will be enough time for asking questions like these. Actually, maybe not. Maybe I spend my days fully aware of what I’m doing. Don’t ask questions at all. I doubt it. I’m going to find out.