The last days completely turned my world upside down. I went to Canada to get my girlfriend back. Just after some days, it turned out she isn’t sure if she even wants a relationship right now — or ever with me. This was hurting. I felt desperate. It wasn’t fun at all. But I didn’t lose myself.
After some time I just let go. Let go of expectations. Expectations how things should work.
I’m still not trusting this feeling, but it feels like I finally got kind of comfortable falling. Falling without knowing where or how I land.
However, I don’t want to talk about the past but about the future. My future.
I’m going to start an experiment.
I’m going to keep traveling for the next 6 month. Ok, that might not sound like an experiment but a dream for most. Well, it doesn’t for me. Everything inside me screams to pack my stuff and leave. I’m feeling alone. That not what I sign up for.
I’m not a globetrotter. I never wanted to be.
I never saw myself just going with whatever comes. Just letting go.
I want to create my life. To make decisions. Trying out. Thinking about life. Analysing. Having ideas. Prove them. Make other experiences. Being active. Not just letting life happen.
That doesn’t mean, I have to control everything. I can’t. I never will. I don’t want to. Even sometimes I try.
Here is the thing. I like traveling but there are much more important things to me. Like love. Self-realization. Building something for myself.
I just don’t search for the stuff others might do while traveling. They might search and want different things. However, even it’s not my natural instinct, I’m like traveling. Just being in the moment. But more important I’m totally aware of the potential traveling has to offer me.
I want to grow and evolve. Traveling provides this opportunity perfectly. Depending on the way you are traveling, it forces you to make a new experience and learning new things. But I guess, I don’t have to convince anybody from the positive sides of traveling — maybe except myself.
Furthermore, I’m a person who likes security and the known. You know, I’m always doing the same stuff, because it worked well and still does. So why should I change it? I believe I could be happy by continuing this approach.
But I also believe there is more. I can become ‘more’ and happier. Whatever this means. Especially, I will never be able to compare these ways. But I believe in it. I feel there is more. Is it a way I should go? Do I want to go? I don’t know. But I’m going to find out.
Everybody — me as well — is talking about how important it is to leave your own comfort zone. But are we doing this often enough? I’m definitely not.
There is no real progress without struggle.
I believe continue traveling and not just going back home — where everything seems always much better —, will force me to become another person. A person is more comfortable leaving his safe space. Does what feels difficult to do. Does more of what fears him. Letting go of the thrive to control everything. Becoming more open to everything. Becoming more flexible and ‘lose’. If I could integrate these things in my life, it would make me a happier person — I guess.
To verify that, I will continue traveling for the next 6 month and find out. I not quite sure, how I could measure a success. And you know what, maybe that’s exactly the kind of stuff I should do. Less analyzing. Less trying to measure everything. I’m sure I’m going to feel the difference.
Well, my goal looks quite easy: continue traveling for the next 6 month. Not really anything to do to make sure I’m on the right track.
Right now, it doesn’t even make sense to me to question my goal on a regular basis. I know I’m going to struggle with this. This is why I’m going to do this. At least I hope I’m going to… Sure I’m going to review and reflect my progress. Looking for stuff I could adjust. If I’m just sitting in a room all day long it won’t bring any value to me.
The person I am, I want to have some rules for myself.
- I have to enjoy life. Not all the time. But if is no fun at all, I don’t want to do it. I want to grow and evolve myself. But there have to my moment of joy and happiness. However, I’m sure there will — otherwise I’m just doing it wrong.
- Trying to be honest, to other persons but first and foremost to myself.
- I have to be able to continue my blog and work on it regularly.
- Going out of my comfort zone, but not at all costs. This experiment should bring me value not make my life any harder without a reason.
I even got a superior goal for myself. If I want to continue traveling for an even longer time, I have to get money in. Not just to pay for my food and stuff, but this is just the way I’m wired. This is the security I want for myself. Therefore I’m trying to get at least as much money in as I spend while traveling. Let’s see how long it will take me for this.
Ok, here we go. It is a big deal for me. Especially, to share this publicly. I’m ready to transform myself — I better am. Are you?