Don’t try to understand

How does it come that we always think we know what someone else is feeling or what would be the best for him?

 

We are constantly trying to find the blind spot of everybody — except for us. Somehow we have this idea to know what the other person should do. I guess it’s part of a relationship — all human relationships — to mirror the other person. Often we just want to help. Use our perspective — not being involved too much. Not being the center of a problem.

 

But we are the center of another problem — our problems. It’s crazy how we always think what the other person should do differently. Rather thinking this way, we should look much more often at us.

 

It’s much harder to see mistakes and bad behavior on ourselves. Most of the time we just can’t get any distance and perspective needed. We are trying to understand our problems and behavior. This might sound like the way to go. Indeed, isn’t our mind the problem in the first place? What do I mean by that?

 

Who is causing these problems? Our problems. I guess, us. Who is ‘us’ — or what we understand as ‘us’? Our ego? Our ego is a direct result of our mind, isn’t it?

 

No matter how hard we try, we are trying to solve the problem with the same ‘thing’ causing the problem.

 

Don’t get fooled by the idea you are feeling things and don’t think that much. As soon as a feeling is coming up we usually start to think. We judge it. Is it a good or a bad feeling? We put it in relation to us, other feelings, other persons and so on…

 

The worst part is we don’t admit this to ourselves. We identify with our feelings and even our problems. We identify with our past. Our wounds. Who would we be without them? Therefore we protect them. Even they harm us.

 

Knowing this, try to step back more often. You know shit. Don’t think you know what the other person should do. Instead, focus on yourself. What is it you are not seeing on yourself? You might be surprised. It might be a hell of a lot.

 

23. Juni 2017

Challenge: writing a blog post each day

I just was writing about how much time I have right now.

 

That left me thinking: What am I going to do? Actually, I’m not quite sure about this thought. Do we always have to do something? I mean do we always have to plan and do something productive? Because this is what the question is all about, isn’t it? What am I going to do — How can I use my time productive?

 

It’s not that I feel bored. Not at all! I never find myself thinking about what I could do. There is always stuff to do. Exploring. Exercising. Reading. Writing. There is so much stuff I’d love to dive deep into. Meditation. Yoga. Spirituality. Tantra. Buddhism. Ayurveda. Just to mention some. I could spend years just doing these things. I could just live. There is nothing wrong with that.

 

Anyway, I really want to evolve and grow personally and spiritually. For sure I could just continue doing all these things and would evolve and grow over time. However, I’m convinced there are ways of doing it better. More productive? Maybe, this is why I’m not quite sure about this. But in the end, there is nothing wrong trying to improve what you are doing. So how can I do this?

 

For me, it always comes down to doing more stuff that’s difficult for me. Stuff I’m not quite comfortable doing. Stuff that challenges me. You can always learn by doing new things you are still comfortable with doing. But it tends to take much longer and there are even things you can’t learn this way. Things which have to challenge you. Sometimes you even need a crisis.

 

Often times it doesn’t have to be uncomfortable. It might just take you effort and energy to pursue it. To become better you have to do it quite frequently. To become really good at something you have to practice it over and over again. Maybe you have to spend these 10.000 hours on it. Maybe not. However, it will demand much time and energy on a regular basis.

 

Knowing this, it should be obvious to spend a lot of time on this thing you want to become better with. You might even want to do it daily.

 

Right now I want to become better in writing. I really want to improve my language and my writing skills.

 

Therefore, I’m going to post 1 new article each day.

 

For me, that’s a statement. Something that’s going to challenge me a lot. Since it usually takes me some days until I finally finished a blog post. Not that it actually takes me that much time — it does take much time — but it’s not a priority of mine. Sometimes I’m just not in the mood to write, I’m tired, the words aren’t coming or I’m just lazy.

 

Rather than just writing if I want to in this moment I’m going to write anyway even I don’t want to. I’m going to force myself to write more.

 

That’s said, I don’t care how much I write. As long it’s a blog post. Maybe someday I’ll go up to 1000 words per day like Chris Guillebeau does. Right now, I just want to write. Creating a habit. Getting used to writing. Rewire my brain being able to express my thoughts.

 

What am I going to write about? I don’t care either. As long as I write. Two weeks ago I already started a ‘Journal’. A different blog where I can write whatever I want to. What I experience during travel. What I feel and think. Just random stuff. Most of the time I’m going to write my journal. Sometimes it might be just a few sentences. But as long I’m finishing a certain thought I’m good with that. 

 

By the way, I don’t care if I miss a day or even more days. This challenge isn’t supposed to keep me away from making awesome experiences. Moreover, while traveling it’s definitely not easy to stay on track with it. Somedays I might have no internet at all. Anyway, this doesn’t mean I don’t care if I post something or not. Then this challenge wouldn’t make any sense. I’m committing myself to this for at least the next 31 days. We’ll see how this is going to work out.

 

There is even a side effect: Since I always use my own photos for the blog posts I have to take photos on a regular basis. Over the last weeks, I didn’t feel like spending much time on photography. I really want to revive this passion of mine.

 

With challenges, it really comes back to what kind of person you are. For me, this ‘middle way’ is the best. To commit to something without having the feeling it’s going to restrict me. If it’s too strict I just don’t want to do it.

 

Thinking about this, I can’t remember if I ever did some kind of challenge like this. Maybe I did. Usually, I wouldn’t make a big deal out of it. But since I’m writing about it, it’s becoming a big deal to me.

 

Anyway, I’m just following a spontaneous idea here. Haven’t thought it through. Something I usually never do. Something I want to do more. Therefore, I close it here. Before all the questions like ‘What if…?’ or ‘Why…?’ are going to come up.

 

I’d love to encourage you to challenge yourself, too. Something you really want to improve or something where you want to evolve yourself. But since I have no idea if I’m going to complete my challenge I’m waiting with this. No, wait. That’s the whole point in doing a challenge like this. You might fail. You might be not able to complete it. It might get really difficult. No matter what, you try it anyway. No matter what, you learned a lot. You evolved. Therefore, I’m encouraging you to challenge yourself. Try it. Do it. It’s fun — at least when you are motivated and just getting started.

22. Juni 2017

Island life is slow

I just realized I never had this much time before for myself. Basically, I have to do some work which takes about 4 hours per day. Besides that, I have to prepare my food and clean everything. That’s it.

Indeed, it’s not that I never had to do so less but I never had so few options to distract myself. There are still just a few people on the Island and more important the internet connection is really small. It feels like 20 years ago when you had to wait for a site to load. The fact that I’m staying on a really small island doesn’t necessarily help.

But what can I say? I really enjoy it. You know this feeling when you are on vacation. You feel free. Nothing you have to do. Life is much more simple and feels just light. Yeah, that’s what it feels right now – light.

I really can’t complain at all. Sure there is not everything perfect but it never will be. 

Even there isn’t much I have to do I never find myself having nothing to do. Doing a nap or meditating is always an option. Preferentially in opposite order.

I wonder what was I doing all day long before. Sure I still now what I did. But why are we doing all the stuff? Why aren’t we just focusing on some essentials stuff and enjoy our life?

This is something I really want to do. Simplify my life. I did this already but there are still things left. But no rush. One thing I learned here: island life is slow.

 

21. Juni 2017

Island life

It’s already over a week ago I arrived on this little Island. Did I mention where I am? Savary Island. Somewhere close to Vancouver Island in British Columbia. Not really easy to get to.

However, I kind of like it. Kind of, because I still not sure. I mean it’s really beautiful. These trees and nature are powerful and healing. There are bees, eagles and hummingbirds all over the place. There are even sand beaches and some palms. Not what you expect to find when you are going to Canada.

Besides that, there isn’t really much to find here. Not that I need anything else. Most of the houses here are still empty. This might change soon. Some people I spoke to told me there are 50 people living on the island in the winter. Next month in Juli there might be up to 3000 people. I guess it going to be much louder and much more stuff will going on. There is even a bar which is opening next month. We’ll see if I like this or if I prefer is less crowded.

I mean life is really great right now. A normal day looks like this. Between 6:00 – 8:00 am I get up. Depending on the time I go to bed. Really want to get into bed earlier. Right after that, I meditate. Followed by some reading and writing. For that, I have to walk to another building to get internet access. Then I some exercise followed by a late breakfast. Usually between 10:00 – 12:00 am I’m starting to do some work here. Sanding and stuff like that. That’s pretty much it. The rest of the day I go for a walk, enjoy the nature, some biking, more reading and writing or whatever I want to.

It’s a pretty simple life. I really love living a simple life. Not much to be stressed about. Nothing to worry about. Just living in the moment. I know you can do this everywhere. But some circumstances will support this way of life.

By all means, I don’t want to live here the rest of my life. Not at all. There aren’t many people to connect with. Especially, not at my age — but as I said this might change soon. However, I have to admit I don’t really miss being around many people. For some time I really enjoy to be nearly alone. This gives me more time to connect with myself. Connect with nature. Connect with the present moment.

And there is still so much to explore. Even on a little island like this. The day before yesterday I was at the beach at low tide. It was spectacular. Even I have been on many beautiful beaches this one is different. I mean a white sand beach in Canada, come on. There are so many oysters and crabs everywhere that I had to reconsider eating them. I haven’t — jet.

Right now I’m sitting in my room — surrounded by trees. It’s drizzling. Not warm at all but not cold neither. I’m going to stay here for a moment. Enjoy the silence while drinking some green tea. Afterward, I’ll walk to the other building and get this article online, I guess. Or maybe I just stay here in the warmth and enjoy life. We’ll see. I guess I will. You won’t. But who cares.

 

19. Juni 2017

Don’t let others opinion prevent you from doing stuff

For a while now, something interesting is going on. I refuse to share most of my photos I make. I think there are several reasons for that.

First of all, there is just other stuff going on in my life and it’s not a priority of mine. Nothing interesting with that. But here is another reason, I don’t share many of my photos because I think they aren’t good enough.

Not quite sure for what they have to be good enough. I mean I’m not a professional photographer. No one cares if my photos suck. The interesting part is this keeps me from sharing my photos and experience with other and maybe even from taking pictures.

Thinking about that, it’s crazy how we are holding ourself back because we think we aren’t good enough. Therefore, we don’t dare to show ourselves and our skills. That’s really sad. I’m doing this a lot. Often I catch myself thinking something has to be perfect before I can show it to others. But nothing will ever be perfect.

It’s totally fine to get started with something and suck with it. And even after some years, you are going to make bad stuff sometimes. Because this happens when you are trying out new stuff. This is how you evolve. This is how you get better.

We are caught in the thought everything we do has to be perfect, therefore we don’t even get started.

I really trying to get over this thinking precess. But it’s really difficult. In the end isn’t it a question of self-esteem? Aren’t we not showing our stuff because we don’t want to get hurt. No one wants to hear: ‘Oh, you made this? It looks like crap!’.

I’m trying to get rid of these thoughts. I don’t want to depend on others people opinions. There might be a lot of mistakes in my articles. I don’t care. I do care if you don’t like my photos. Because I like photography and I want to make good photos. But this shouldn’t prevent me from sharing and doing photos at all. For this reason, I challenge myself to share more photos. Especially photos I took with my iPhone.

However, nothing important at all. Just some random thoughts. Go out there, have fun and don’t let others opinion prevent you from doing stuff.

 

17. Juni 2017

What it’s like to be back in Canada

Here I am again. Back in Canada. Over 3 month ago I started my little ‘world trip’. I guess I can say things went in a completely different direction of what I thought would happen.

The fun thing with that: before I left in March I intended to go along with whatever would happen — especially everything unexpected.

Nearly 2 weeks ago I find myself the second time flying to Amerika. I already wrote what happened and crushed me. Is there anything more I can write about my time in the US. Well, it wasn’t the best time of my life — that’s for sure. For six days I wasn’t doing anything — just wondering what the fuck happened.

It’s not that I was just sitting somewhere and staring at a wall. However, I wasn’t open to everything else around me. But I can tell, the nature still got to me. I did just to walks through the forest and loved it. The nature — like so many places on the west coast — is stunning. You really can’t compare the trees to the ones we have in Germany. Everything is much wilder and natural.

3 ferries, some buses, 1 taxi, 36 hours later — what a hell of a ride — I find myself on another Island in Canada. By the way, now I know why everyone keeps saying you need a car if you want to travel in Canada. Well, you don’t need to but everything is a pain in the ass. Did I mention I sleep under an old trailer while it was raining?

Either way, somehow I made it to this little island I am right now. I already spend 4 nights here but haven’t seen that much. It feels like first I have to fully digest what happened.

I’m not sure how long I’m going to say here. Maybe some weeks. Maybe I leave earlier. We’ll see. Right now I’m enjoying not having to make any important decision at all.

 

15. Juni 2017

How vulnerable do I want to make myself?

In the last few days, I often thought about vulnerability. About the fact that I got hurt and why. This led to the question, how vulnerable do I want to become myself. Do I really want to bring myself to the position, to get possibly hurt that much? Short answer: yes. Especially, in a love relationship it is crucial to open yourself and let the other person it, at least in my opinion. If you don’t make yourself vulnerable then you don’t create enough room for magic to happen.

This led to another question: How vulnerable do I want to make myself? Do I really want to write about everything on my blog? Do I really want to be completely open? Maybe not 100% but maybe almost. I mean, why not?

In my experience, there is nothing bad going to happen if you speak openly about your feelings. Yes, I might get hurt. But I would get anyway. Nobody is going to give be a hard time because of this. And even when… It’s much more like this: When you openly speak about something that’s making you vulnerable, it loses its power about you. It doesn’t really make you vulnerable. It shows that you are a strong and brave person.

However, I know it can be difficult. You might get hurt. You might not feel strong enough. I encourage you to do it anyway. Too often we don’t show our emotions. We play a role and are trying to just function. But this is not what life should be like. It’s your choice. Our everyone. I’m choosing to make myself valuable. And you know what? I kind of feels good.

11. Juni 2017

Let’s do an experiment

The last days completely turned my world upside down. I went to Canada to get my girlfriend back. Just after some days, it turned out she isn’t sure if she even wants a relationship right now — or ever with me. This was hurting. I felt desperate. It wasn’t fun at all. But I didn’t lose myself. 

After some time I just let go. Let go of expectations. Expectations how things should work.

I’m still not trusting this feeling, but it feels like I finally got kind of comfortable falling. Falling without knowing where or how I land. 

However, I don’t want to talk about the past but about the future. My future.

 

I’m going to start an experiment. 

 

I’m going to keep traveling for the next 6 month. Ok, that might not sound like an experiment but a dream for most. Well, it doesn’t for me. Everything inside me screams to pack my stuff and leave. I’m feeling alone. That not what I sign up for.

 

I’m not a globetrotter. I never wanted to be.

I never saw myself just going with whatever comes. Just letting go.

I want to create my life. To make decisions. Trying out. Thinking about life. Analysing. Having ideas. Prove them. Make other experiences. Being active. Not just letting life happen.

That doesn’t mean, I have to control everything. I can’t. I never will. I don’t want to. Even sometimes I try.

 

Here is the thing. I like traveling but there are much more important things to me. Like love. Self-realization. Building something for myself.

 

I just don’t search for the stuff others might do while traveling. They might search and want different things. However, even it’s not my natural instinct, I’m like traveling. Just being in the moment. But more important I’m totally aware of the potential traveling has to offer me.

I want to grow and evolve. Traveling provides this opportunity perfectly. Depending on the way you are traveling, it forces you to make a new experience and learning new things. But I guess, I don’t have to convince anybody from the positive sides of traveling — maybe except myself.

Furthermore, I’m a person who likes security and the known. You know, I’m always doing the same stuff, because it worked well and still does. So why should I change it? I believe I could be happy by continuing this approach. 

But I also believe there is more. I can become ‘more’ and happier. Whatever this means. Especially, I will never be able to compare these ways. But I believe in it. I feel there is more. Is it a way I should go? Do I want to go? I don’t know. But I’m going to find out. 

Everybody — me as well — is talking about how important it is to leave your own comfort zone. But are we doing this often enough? I’m definitely not.

 

There is no real progress without struggle.

 

I believe continue traveling and not just going back home — where everything seems always much better —, will force me to become another person. A person is more comfortable leaving his safe space. Does what feels difficult to do. Does more of what fears him. Letting go of the thrive to control everything. Becoming more open to everything. Becoming more flexible and ‘lose’. If I could integrate these things in my life, it would make me a happier person — I guess.

 

To verify that, I will continue traveling for the next 6 month and find out. I not quite sure, how I could measure a success. And you know what, maybe that’s exactly the kind of stuff I should do. Less analyzing. Less trying to measure everything. I’m sure I’m going to feel the difference.

Well, my goal looks quite easy: continue traveling for the next 6 month. Not really anything to do to make sure I’m on the right track.

Right now, it doesn’t even make sense to me to question my goal on a regular basis. I know I’m going to struggle with this. This is why I’m going to do this. At least I hope I’m going to… Sure I’m going to review and reflect my progress. Looking for stuff I could adjust. If I’m just sitting in a room all day long it won’t bring any value to me.

 

The person I am, I want to have some rules for myself.

  1. I have to enjoy life. Not all the time. But if is no fun at all, I don’t want to do it. I want to grow and evolve myself. But there have to my moment of joy and happiness. However, I’m sure there will — otherwise I’m just doing it wrong.
  2. Trying to be honest, to other persons but first and foremost to myself.
  3. I have to be able to continue my blog and work on it regularly.
  4. Going out of my comfort zone, but not at all costs. This experiment should bring me value not make my life any harder without a reason.

 

I even got a superior goal for myself. If I want to continue traveling for an even longer time, I have to get money in. Not just to pay for my food and stuff, but this is just the way I’m wired. This is the security I want for myself. Therefore I’m trying to get at least as much money in as I spend while traveling. Let’s see how long it will take me for this.

 

Ok, here we go. It is a big deal for me. Especially, to share this publicly. I’m ready to transform myself — I better am. Are you?

10. Juni 2017

I lost it

Here we go.

 

I’m totally lost.

 

Not sure what to think. What to feel. Just wondering, how the fuck did I get to this point?

 

I’m not complaining. Not even wallow in self-pity. Just stunned. I really tried. That’s all I can say.

 

I went with my girlfriend to Canada. Had to broke up, because it wasn’t working. Even I still wanted it so much. Went back to Berlin. After a short while — with more clearance — I realized I wanted that girl so much. I told her. She felt similar — at least this is what she said. Next, I flying back to her.

It’s day 6. I’m stranded. She told me her feelings changed the moment I was sitting in the plain. She doesn’t know what she wants. There is more. There are fears, broken hearts, feelings, dreams and a bunch of other stuff behind this. I get it. Actually, I guess I don’t do.

 

What can I say? I lost it. I’m somewhere in a Country, where I don’t want to be. No that’s not true. I want to be here. I know what I want. I want her. I want to be here with her — travel with her. I still do. But not like this.

 

Damn, it hurts.

 

It’s just stunning, what can happen when you are following your heart. The most wonderful things. Or really painful and sad things.

 

But this is what life is about. Isn’t it? Love. Struggle. Efforts. Not quite sure, and hopefully not at merely.

 

I have no idea what I’m going to do right now. I guess, getting back up again and live. Try more.

I try to. Just let me whine for a moment.

8. Juni 2017

starting a journal

Over the last months, I learned a few very important things. One of it was to pursue my intuition and instinct — something I never really did. Instead, I was completely making my decisions in my head. Rational thinking. I still think this kind of thinking is really powerful. But there are things you can’t grasp this way. There is much more.
So I’m trying to develop my irrational thinking. This morning I had the desire to start a journal. Bringing my thought to paper — or at least in written words. Not quite sure how long or how regular I’m going to do this.

There is another thing I learned: Sometimes it’s right to just do something. It doesn’t have do be perfect or pretty. As long as it does the job, it’s fine.

Not quite sure what I’m going to write about. Guess whatever feels right the moment. This brings me already in a difficult situation. I have no problem sharing all the things I’m struggling with — ok maybe some few —, but I don’t want to expose or hurt someone else feelings. I’m talking about people who are close to me. People I love. People are important to me. Therefore people who might hurt my feelings. I guess we are gonna find out how this is working out.

OK, that’s it. I don’t have anything to tell right now.

Äehh: One last thing! I do this for myself. Sorry. Maybe you enjoy reading my stuff and can even learn something. If not, don’t read it. This — my journal — is just for me. The rest I’m writing about is to bring value to others. You decide what you spend your time with. As usual. 

6. Juni 2017